Big Leaps Of Faith, Breaking Down Walls

 This entry is from my Notes App. Reading it back, this entry has given me the confirmation to "just start." 

Journal entry (February 18th @ 1:39 PM EST)

Today, I quit Ulta.

Ulta was a great gig for me. I love all things beauty. I thrived on making other women feel beautiful and seen. I was great at sales, and my coworkers were pretty cool, but if I can be honest, I started working because I wanted to gain control.

When I started at Ulta, it felt like NOTHING was working for me. It was a cold summer. We had been without a second car for months, which meant waking up at 4:30am with Halo, my 4 year old at the time, to drop my husband off every morning just so we wouldn’t be stuck in the house all day. Lack of support, family issues, navigating marriage—and on top of it all, my hair extensions weren’t selling. I didn’t have the emotional or mental capacity to keep it going, and if we're being forreal— I didn’t have the capital either. I fell into a depression and needed to at least make some money. Because if I had money, I could invest in my business or at least get a car. That would alleviate stress on everyone, right?!

Funny thing is, while I was trying to save myself, God had it all covered… Literally.

Weeks after getting the job, my husband got me a brand-new SUV.

 

 

Then he invested in my business so I could attend a hair extensions conference in ATL.

 And in the midst of all this, I couldn’t really receive that level of provision—because I never thought I would. Or could. I didn’t think I deserved it.

All these blessings were flowing then BOOM... God was telling me to shut it all down—indefinitely. And I resisted… MAYYYBEEEE I could just… and nope. Undeniably, there was a hugeeeee stop sign on my business, my approach to social media, and—if I’m being honest—my part-time job at Ulta. So I did one thing first. I quit social media. No more posting for me. I created when I felt creative, saved it in CapCut, and left it at that. It seemed easy enough.

Then, in early November, after a very intimate month with God, wrestling with my trust issues and fears around surrendering my business and my heart, I found out we were pregnant with our second child. And the first thought that came to mind?

“What’s gonna happen to my business? My brand? My career? With TWO kids? I barely have anything to show for it! And what’s gonna happen now?!”

Not joy. Not happiness. But pure disappointment. Not because I didn’t want another baby, but because—God, how could a new baby be the answer to my money & business problems?

Well, let me tell you. Don’t question God unless you actually want an answer, babes… lol.

This pregnancy is SITTING ME DOWNNNNNNNNNN.

A week after finding out, I was sick. Nauseous. Vomiting. Constipation. Indigestion. Smells. Aversions. Fatigue. Baby, I couldn’t do nothing for weeks… and I’m talking 16 of them.

Some days, I could still work. Most days, I couldn’t even open my eyes. I pushed through, but all the emotions I had been suppressing were literally weighing me down.

Weeks ago, I decided it was best to pause from selling hair and reset my creativity. (More on this another time.) But I kept working at Ulta —just one day a week. However, this pregnancy is actually HARD. I’m a human literally growing another human. The truth hit me at work yesterday: nothing matters more than me feeling well in this season. Working, standing, squatting, customer servicing for hours—it was too much on my body. It was evident.

But the real struggle? The narrative I’ve been telling myself. "The struggling to do what once came easily means something is wrong with me. Right?! That slowing down means failure. That my worth is in my performance." 

Needless to say, I have burned myself out in every facet of my life with this mindset. 

And on one hand, I feel free and bold and strong.

—Wait. you know what? Instead of looking back at the negative hand, I’m going to focus on the one that’s positive and just trust God with the rest.

Trust hasn’t been easy for me. EVER.

Like now, I have to trust my husband greater than I ever have before.

And most importantly, I have to trust God. My what ifs can only look UP. Because that’s where God is.

He is Jireh—Provider. He doesn’t just provide—HE IS PROVISION. Not my business. Not my part-time job. Not anything I can do with my own hands. But God.

I do not have to prove my competence in this season. It is already written.

I can not look out in this season—because there is so much within me worth discovering that I’ve never taken advantage of.

What does my heart say?

Over these weeks, I’ve wrestled with my self-worth, my perceived value, and my contribution as a wife and mother. I try to believe I’m a really great momma… but I get tired. I need alone time. I get overwhelmed. Sometimes, I need a break. I don’t want to share. I don’t want to go to the park. I don’t even want to see a child. And taking care of the house? Stay-at-home mom?! Umm, I don’t even like being in the house all day! I’ve never been the best at keeping up with cleaning. Laundry piles for days—if not weeks. And then there’s the reality that I don’t get to buy my husband nice things often if I don't work. I’ve been on a hamster wheel, trying to save myself from failure, but never really meeting success.

And if I’m being forreal—I’ve also been afraid. Afraid of showing my vulnerability. Afraid of letting my husband lead because I’ve convinced myself that everything has to be perfect.

But what kind of wife does that?

Soooooo… God, why would You lead me here?

Obviously, I’m not cut out for this.

—WRONG.

As I lay here typing after my breakdown, I can’t help but look over my heart’s desires.

I actually do desire to make my house a home and upkeep a standard of living for my family.

I actually do desire to decorate.

I actually do desire to host.

I actually do desire to love my space.

I’ve just never made it a priority. I never felt like I should be able to focus only on the well-being of myself and my family. But why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I have the freedom to do what has always been on my heart?

WOAHHHH. That was bold. (See? I am bold. Go me 🥳)

How did we get here?

After all these years, I’ve been running the wrong way.

But why was I trying to escape in the first place?

Growing up, my mom stayed home with us. But it wasn’t ideal for her. Now, I understand—her being home was a manipulation tactic. In response, she screamed her frustrations in her captivity. She groaned under the weight of responsibility and was so blinded by it that even now, she struggles to see how honorable her contribution to us as her children actually was.

My mom was—and still is—ambitious. She went after degrees and careers, even in the hardest years, all while nurturing us three kids as a "single wife" for 17 years. She made sure we never went without. And I’m thankful for that, even though looking back tells a different story.

Her ambition and selflessness bred me.

So now, as a mother and wife myself, I struggle to find joy in the “mundane” tasks of serving my home. Some days, it feels like I’m just serving breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Picking up after folks and meeting everyone else’s needs makes it easy to neglect my own.

...But what are my needs?

What are my wants?

Am I allowed to have those?

For years, I pursued “more” and left serving my family on autopilot. But now? I’m giving myself permission to not just show up—but BE.

And trust wherever this may lead.

Because God knows ALL about my desires. And He included them ALL in His plans.

My ambition will thrive in a new way.

And whatever happens—it’s all for my flawless.

This season is to breaking generational curses and embracing the newfound freedom here.

 

CURRENT ENTRY

I have the slightest clue of WHERE all this will lead me. For now, Im creating a safe place for myself and other women who are, maybe not "ready" but definitely willing to LIVE. 

Ive never LIVED before. Ive stumbled into promise lands and feared what was going to happen next and who was gonna say what and when it was all going to go away. 

Not anymore. We, yes WE! Are going to learn how to navigate the promised lands, build here and LIVE ABUNDANTLY. 

AS FOR RIGHT NOW, Im staying a float by manicuring my space at home a frequently as i cant, soon to be in full blown nesting mode. But also, pampering myself and creating a maintenance schedule. 

More on this later! Thats all for now.

Stay faithful, Stay Flawless! 

Malysia Samon💕